I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
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My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry