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Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.