As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
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The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
wtf is a larm clock?
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.