motivation
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Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
From my Mom
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
sir, my pâté if you please
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.