My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
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My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Need WebMD
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?