The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
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I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
life finds a way
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.