Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
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Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.