Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
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#NoRestForTheWicked
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Strange
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.