*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
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Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”