Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
You Might Also Like
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.