SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
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Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?