I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
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For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*