[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
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[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively