Name this drama.
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(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
I am also baked goods
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.