“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
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My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.