*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
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angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
If you love someone, let them sleep.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!