[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
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My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
And bowling should be called pinball
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
The real reason evolution started..😂
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…