Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
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How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Well well well…
Body by sandwich.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men