KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
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It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.