My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
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If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
I wish this was real life…
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap