today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
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Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas