Nobody ever collects famous first words.
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To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.