Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
You Might Also Like
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Me too door. Me too.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?