Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
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[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
In case you needed to hear it:
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.