No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
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HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
I put the p in pants.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*