Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
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My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
two people or more is called a problem
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
#ProTip
Botany good plants lately?
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.