I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
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Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”