I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
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ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Perfect
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Taking phone security to the next level.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
who wore it better?
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan