If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
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“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?