My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
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I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
This forever.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.