Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
You Might Also Like
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
choose your fighter
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Battery falling down a hole
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.