Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
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Dress for the job you want to sleep at
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
yall want some gasoline milk
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.