I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
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Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
crazy
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
My hips? Compulsive liars.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight