Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
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ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy