Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
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Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
What the dentist sees
This probably isn’t good
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.