Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
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11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on