Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
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I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
fly smarter, not harder
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45