had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
You Might Also Like
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
🤣😂🤣
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods