Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
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Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.