[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
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the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Awesome parenting 😂
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?