4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
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Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.