kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
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*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back