me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
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yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ