PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
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Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?