Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
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not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
house sitting!
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”