My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
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In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying