I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
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I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Me too door. Me too.