The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
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My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Who called it baking and not making love
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
The options really are this bad
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.