Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
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The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Previously On Persistence 😎
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.