Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
You Might Also Like
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.